Archive for the ‘Funnies’ Category
The New York Yankees’ Mark Teixeira on repeating …[bracketed] quotes were removed by MLB.com but retained hereunder for accuracy:
“Because we’re the [gosh darn] Yankees,” Teixeira said. “If you get complacent, it’s going to be a tough year for you. Once you taste a championship and taste that victory, [gahhhhleeee] it just makes you want it even more. You realize it’s everything you’ve ever hoped for.”
“We have to feel that way every single [fudgin’] season,” Teixeira said. “We feel like we’re just as capable of defending our [dang-gum] championship as we were winning it last year. We have a great team, the core group of guys are back [and a bunch of black guys are here, too!], and hopefully we all get a little bit better [I mean those boys fly!].”
“[Shoot,] I don’t know how many times I told my wife how nice it is I don’t have to worry about the future [while she’s ironin’ my jersey and sweepin’ the porch],” Teixeira said. “The last couple of years, it’s always been, ‘Where’s my family going to be? Where are we going to live? [Where’d ya put my dang-gum fishing pole, Mama?]’
“This year, it was really, ‘What [funny-soundin’] restaurant are we going to go to? Where are we going to take the kids [where’t don’t smell like pee]? What shows are we going to watch?’ I think that was a nice change for my family [I mean, how much catfishin’ will an 8-year-old take before he grows himself a set a’ gills?]”
“Everyone kind of tries to tell you … ‘You have to change something, [quit starin’ at the sun! poop sittin’ down!], but be yourself,'” Teixeira said. “Whoever it is, they’re in this room for a reason [even that Robbie Cano, I suppose]. You have talent, they’ve performed on the highest levels. When you come to the Yankees, there’s more eyes watching [kinda like gettin’ lost in the swampy place where the hill people are, blinkin’ in the trees, don’t go there!], more people that care — which is great. You go out and play the game the way it’s supposed to be played.”
“For us, I think it’s ‘Let’s keep doing what we’re doing,'” Teixeira said. “That was our motto last year during the playoffs — ‘Keep up the good work and let’s keep working hard and playing good baseball.’ [My other motto was “an apple a day keeps the doctor away, Alex!”] That’s what we’re going to try to do this year.”
Bronx Brass Tacks has uncovered the most detailed as-of-yet calendar & itinerary for the New York Yankees’ Spring Training in 2010, waaaaay more detailed than the reporting dates and tentative game schedule. The defending World Champions have quite the active spring on tap, here’s what we can expect:
Pitchers & Catchers: 2/17
4:30am – Joba Chamberlain’s first feeding: 2-oz warm bottle of formula. Make sure you burp him!
6:15 – Phil Hughes practices shaving, “0-2 stare” in bathroom mirror.
7:00 – Andy Pettitte eats his oatmeal, fills out his daily stool-monitoring chart.
8:00 – All players suit up and meet on field B.
9:30 – Pitchers throw off the mound to live batters.
9:31 – Jorge Posada’s first visit to the mound.
9:45 – Goose Gossage’s moustache arrives to monitor bullpen hopefuls.
10:30 – Coaches only: calculator calisthenics with manager Joe Girardi.
11:15 – Visit from “Gator” announced; rookies mistakenly form line to pet the baby alligators.
12:00 – Lunch!
12:15 – A.J. Burnett impresses the rookies with his looger-hocking skills.
12:45 – Joba hits pitch limit while tossing lunch bag in trash can, sits out rest of afternoon.
1:00 – Damaso Marte retires for a lefty-specialists-only siesta.
1:40 – Javier Vazquez permission slip to start due in Dave Eiland’s hands. Signature from la Mamita is required.
2:30 – CC Sabathia finishes lunch.
3:20 – Mariano Rivera spontaneously appears in right field, jogs to the mound, warms up.
5:15 – Hit the steam room!
First Workout: 2/18
5:45am – All binders, staplers, paper clips, and hole-punches report to Joe Girardi’s office for pre-spreadsheeting warm-ups.
6:00 – ARod sings “Like a Virgin” into his shower brush.
6:30 – Derek Jeter inside-outs an egg for breakfast.
8:00 -Players begin stretching hamstrings, shoulders, and quads; Nick Swisher starts stretching tongue & loosening his rock-n-roll devil-fingers; Mark Teixeira assumes lotus posture, after 20 minutes moves slowly to downward-eagle position, resumes chakra breathing after another 40 minutes, meditates on the UZR of the Yankee infield for an hour or so.
8:05 – Nick Johnson down with a leg injury.
9:15 – Car backfires; Brett Gardner takes off in a puff of smoke, is never seen again.
11:00 – Nick Johnson returns from leg injury, sprains shoulder.
11:45 – Early lunch, damn it’s hot out there today!
12:30 – Tony Pena sends A.J. Burnett to Cashman’s office for tagging up “legends” monuments with spray paint.
1:00 – Hank Steinbrenner goes AWOL from rehab; Steinbrenner Field security puts all flammables under lock and key.
1:55 – Curtis Granderson has had quite enough of the “Yankee this, Yankee that” b******t for a Wednesday afternoon.
3:45 – Ramiro Pena and Francisco Cervelli swap “chupacabra” stories.
4:20 – Binders vs. Penda-Flex, intra-squad.
5:50 – Nick Johnson returns from shoulder sprain, ruptures knee capsule.
Position Players: 2/23
7:00am – Nick Johnson fractures eye socket while opening medicine cabinet, requires hip surgery.
9:00 – Yogi Berra visits, rambles ten or twenty minutes about what “Robbie Cano, can do!”
10:25 – Reggie Jackson wallpapers ARod’s locker with box scores from the ’73, ’74, ’77, and ’78 World Series.
11:10 – Mel Stottlemyre spits on binder and tells it to “go to hell.”
12:50 – Johnny Damon shows up, tells a small group of last year’s starters that the players on his new team are “real jerks”.
1:15 – Randy Winn “is just about due out on the lawn with the young-in’s, sittin’ on the swing with a tall glass of lemonade and a-rockin’, jus’ sittin’ and a-rockin’.”
2:30 – Cody Ransom takes center field.
3:15 – Jeter meets the press in the Civic Auditorium to issue 3 full hours of quotables to the 400 reporters assembled there. Finishes by saying “now, leave me the f*** alone for the next 8 months.”
3:55 – Sun momentarily eclipsed as Michael Kay’s head emerges from the dugout.
4:20 – MLB Network to replay ARod’s last three or four apologies in succession for the next 72 hours straight.
First Full Workout: 2/24
8:00am – Nick Johnson pronounced dead…
…and announced as the opening day DH.
The tears are streaming down my face as I write this. Life is sooooo hard. I couldn’t believe my ears when Scottie told me what you told him, and that was what you said that I said Scottie said to me. I mean, REALLY NOT COOL.
Why don’t you listen to reason? Everyone who’s anyone thinks that we should be together again.
At least whell always have my “dash” to third base.
Yep, that’s my article.
What’s the countdown to pitchers and catchers?
MLB Trade Rumors is reporting that [_____] is interested in [____], citing a report from [______] (and Ken Rosenthal) that GM [_____] is looking to upgrade [____] and is “open to [_______]”. Although nothing has actually happened yet, the [______] have not yet decided whether to [______] or [______] free agent [_______], whose agent [________] has hinted that he might be favoring [_________] because of [_______]. The Yankees, the Red Sox, the [____], and the [_____] are said to be the front runners in the chase, with Red Sox in the lead, reports Peter Gammons.
Print out, fill in the blanks, and enjoy!
In Yankee news, Austin Jackson is getting a fire lit under him officially as the team picks up the minor league contract of a troubled 21-year-old outfielder with speed and arm.
That’s all for now.